


You Don’t Have To Say ‘I Love You’ (To Say ‘I Love You’)

by XV13



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Fic, 5+1 Things, Attempt at Humor, Away Mission Gone-Wrong, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Finding security in being able to express feelings in a relationship, Holiday Themed Ending, Light Angst, Literal Sleeping Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Injuries, Other events, Romantic Fluff, Secret Confessions of Love, Supportive James T. Kirk, Temporary Insecure Leonard "Bones" McCoy, There is more than one way to express love if someone is willing to listen, first few parts are inner monologue and description heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:22:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28250832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XV13/pseuds/XV13
Summary: It isn’t that Leonard doesn’t care deeply for Jim. The harsh reality is Leonard's affection is always present and palpable. The issue is despite the fact they’ve been dating for a while now, Leonard can’t bring himself to say those three words aloud.[The 5 times Leonard said something other than ‘I love you’, and the time he realizes he has been saying it all along]
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 6
Kudos: 93





	You Don’t Have To Say ‘I Love You’ (To Say ‘I Love You’)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the third fic I have written for this pairing this year, as this ship simply won't leave me alone. This is a 5+1 style fic and each section is labelled. The title was taken from the Troye Sivan song titled 'For Him', and is a part of my McKirk Spotify Playlist which can be found here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4yrWqFYrx1MHX1abvi00NZ?si=o6kiXIS0QtS0KhvFZJl5NQ. Let me know what you think, and Happy Holiday season everyone!

( - Introduction - )

It isn’t that Leonard doesn’t care deeply for Jim. The harsh reality is Leonard's affection is always present and palpable. The issue is despite the fact they’ve been dating for a while now, Leonard can’t bring himself to say those three words aloud. 

Jim was the first to say it. The words meaning clearly ricocheted in Jim’s eyes, his touch feather light upon the side of Leonard’s face as he confessed his feelings, laying his heart bare with three little words. The air was heavy between them, the weight of expected reciprocation pushing Leonard down and feeling stronger than gravity.

He opened his mouth, but stuttered. He forced his mouth to obey his command, to show how he felt, but no sound was made. It remained agape despite all determination. Leonard bowed his head, but Jim simply touched their foreheads together.

Leonard’s father had once told him not to throw the word ‘love’ around lightly. He’d been so incredibly young and stupid when he was with Jocelyn, and hadn’t heeded the warning. Leonard told that woman he loved her with no hesitation, convinced he knew what it meant to love someone. He’d also continued to say those words long after they had a bitter taste. The words grew useless without real meaning.

Everything with Jim felt so different from Jocelyn. The feelings Leonard knows he has about Jim fit every definition and categorization of what Leonard was taught resembled real love. There is no doubt he loves Jim, but his past is sealing his mouth from declaring it. He finally has something good and real in his life again - much like an intern jinxing an emergency room by characterizing aloud how quiet it is, Leonard cannot risk jinxing this.

“Jim…I-I-”

“It’s okay, Bones,” Jim replies sweetly. “There’s no rush to say it back. I know you feel the same. That’s all that matters to me.”

True to his word, Jim never pressures Leonard about it. There is a deeper trust within their relationship, especially as Leonard knows that Jim is well versed in how past experiences can shape the person you grow to be. While Leonard often wishes he could have shielded the young version of Jim from his worst of the past traumas, and take away the nightmares and the pain caused by the memories – Leonard wouldn’t trade the man in front of him now for anything. Those experiences made Jim who he was, for better and worse.

He lends less kindness to himself when his mind screams that he should be over the emotional manipulation in his own past by now. Jim is the presence that allows him to stay grounded and forgive himself for healing at his own pace.

In the meantime, Leonard begins to make the effort to try. The words might not be the same and Jim might not be able to hear him, but the connotation remains the same.

It becomes practice. He’ll get there someday, he knows he can. For now, it is safer for his tattered heart to take the opportunity to rehearse sentimentalities in environments where the kid can’t talk back.

**[The 5 times Leonard said something other than ‘I love you’, and the time he realizes he has been saying it all along]**

* * *

( - 1 - )

Unlike the bunks at the Academy, the lavish bed in the Captain's quarters easily could have accommodated five individuals. It was vastly spacious, yet most of it was underutilized. On the nights they would try and give each other space, an invisible gravitational pull seemed to exist between the two men. Leonard would often awake in the night and find them tangled tightly within the center of the mattress.

When news of their relationship broke aboard the ship, the rumor mill speculated on how the two senior officers spooned. There was a bet in medical between the nurses, and a large reward for whomever could guess correctly - who was the little spoon and who was the big? Leonard refused to divulge such personal information to the sexually-charged ingrates he called colleagues.

“Enough with the imbecile remarks, get back to work,” he grumbled.

In a way, if the roles had to be defined, Jim was the little spoon; however, most of the time their positioning was less conventional. They preferred to sleep facing one another. Jim enjoyed being pulled into the arms of his lover, and Leonard is happy to oblige. His arm reaches beneath one pillow while the other drapes loosely across Jim's sharp hipbone. His fingers ghosted along the delicate skin as they curled towards Jim’s spine. Jim's own digits would perch on Leonard’s chest, gently rising and falling in tandem.

There were a couple of benefits to this position, all of which Leonard selfishly adored. For one, the steady breath reverberating from Jim consistently pushed against his chest. It served as a reminder to Leonard that despite everything, Jim was alive and well. He slept easier knowing that despite the worst of his nightmares trying to convince him otherwise, Jim’s lungs and heart continued to carry him through another day. Speaking of nightmares, this position also allowed Leonard to jolt awake from the horrors of his mind, and instead be met with the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen – Jim’s face, peaceful in a way rarely observed during daylight.

It also allowed him the opportunity to shamelessly gaze at his lover. There is no denying Jim’s beauty.

That face...it is like nothing else. Leonard has seen more faces than most given his profession. There was no comparison when Jim’s remained uniquely distinct in his mind. When he ran out of live faces, Leonard would try and compare Jim to all the art his eyes had ever seen. He may have been biased, but Jim remained stunning. In a last attempt to play fair, Leonard would try and compare the sight in front of him against all the poetry he’d read.

It was a hobby of sorts. When he wasn’t attempting to further his knowledge by reading the newest medical research, Leonard often worked his way through old poet’s work. In some part of his mind, he thought it might be his favorite pastime. It allowed him to desperately search for the words he needed to convey the phenomenon that was Jim. Leonard eventually concluded that even if he learned as many languages as Uhura, no string of words could ever accurately summarize nor depict Jim’s exuberant nature.

Jim was, in every way, a contradiction. Above all, he was the most magnificent thing Leonard had ever witnessed, and was privileged to witness every night during these stolen moments.

Not that he’d ever tell the kid. Jim’s ego was already big enough to warrant its own chair on the Bridge. Which was why during the artificial light hours on this tin can, he kept all compliments and comments to himself. Instead, he answered Jim’s attempts to fish for compliments with his familiar gruff tone that appropriately allowed him to remain professional. It still drew a smile from the kid’s lips, so Leonard knew he wasn’t hiding much behind the façade.

When Jim’s breathing evened out, when his muscles were are in a state of rare rest, and when the stress lines on Jim’s forehead (the ones accompanying his job description) faded – something about these moments let Leonard feel safe enough to acknowledge his feelings. Occasionally, he’d let small secret words fill the silence around them.

Perhaps it is because he is not brave enough yet to say them when Jim is awake, the ruse of confidentiality making it easier to admit to himself things he’d never thought he’d be able to feel again. The quiet seconds before the alarm would disturb them became preparation, or at the very least, a cathartic way of whispering his thoughts out loud for only the light whirring of the ship’s engines to hear.

Leonard removed his hand from Jim’s hip and instead traced his calloused finger from Jim’s cheekbone down to his chin in a curved motion. The skin beneath his touch was soft, light enough to not cause any reaction. He wasn’t even fully aware of the movement until it was completed, and Jim’s warm breath coated the top of his hand.

“I’m sure it won’t take nearly as long, Jim…but **I’d happily spend a lifetime memorizing your face.”**

* * *

( - 2 - )

As a child, little Leo wanted nothing more than to become just like his daddy. He idolized his old man because of the way he saved countless lives by utilizing all the neat technology at his disposal. As a medical student, Leonard pushed himself relentlessly to make his childhood dreams a reality. He had a single focus, studying and carrying out the Hippocratic oath to heal those in need. As a grieving son, Leonard told himself he would never break his oath again. The first experience doing so had only brought him pain, and made him question his identity.

He stepped on the Starfleet shuttle towards a new future, and made the promise to himself. _Never again. Not for any circumstance, not for any excuse, and certainly not for any person._

Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and karma works harder than the devil. In an all too familiar scenario - by some twisted circumstance of fate and irony - Leonard stands alone next to a biobed. Once again, he’s broken his Hippocratic oath.

The only difference in this deja-vu moment is the heart monitor singing a symphony of life. Sound becomes the singular sense differentiating the two battling memories, because the last time Leonard stood as a liar and a cheat, the scenario was accompanied by the eerie tone of death screaming out from the monitor speakers. The steady heartbeat is not a strong enough stimuli to stop Leonard from impulsively checking. His mind is fearful and paranoid, and the lack of trust produced leaves Leonard performing consistent manual checks on Jim’s health.

The other difference is the last time Leonard stood before a patient having broken his promise to do no harm, his hands were still wrapped around the hypo he’d reluctantly used to fulfill his father’s last wishes. He’d told himself he was being a good son, not a murderer. This time Leonard is forced to confront the fact he has no one to place the blame on but himself. No one told him to do this, no one asked for this. No one forced his hand, and no one had begged for this outcome.

Above all, no one told him break his oath by playing god. But that is exactly what Leonard did, and now all of his thoughts are consumed by the fear of the tone in the background suddenly shifting. He doesn’t know what he will do if he sees a negative change in the live readings from the man who awoke from fatal radiation poisoning a week earlier.

“Bones?”

Leonard freezes on the spot, every muscle in his body tensing. This was it. No sound could’ve been sweeter, no sight any clearer than Jim’s ocean eyes focused on him. This moment was what Leonard had fought so hard for, what he’d worked to gain back in the face of certain defeat. His actions finally sink in as Leonard realizes – he’s won.

Jim’s eyes are a mixture of confusion and pain. The muscles in his hand are undoubtedly weakened, yet attempt to coordinate a reaching motion. Those fingers are launching on a trajectory course towards Leonard’s own, at a pace faster than the man should be capable of after waking from the afterlife.

“Bones?” Jim asks again, louder.

Leonard knew he should respond. He should be reaching out and holding the hand of his lover, he should be kissing him senseless. He should be celebrating the victory, it is all he wanted, isn’t it?

There is too much going on in his head to allow him such luxuries. His mind is plagued by the memory of Jim’s hand laying limp and freezing in Leonard’s grasp and the dark bag enclosing his cold body. His breath feels stolen from his lungs.

On some level, Leonard understands that Jim knows him better than he will ever know himself. Jim knows that Leonard is spiraling as he stands before Jim, incapable of literate speech and basic rational thought. Jim also knows that Leonard isn’t like Spock. Leonard is not going to be capable of pushing this aside and viewing it without an emotional reaction, which is exactly why Jim doesn’t give him time to back away. Jim grasps his hand weakly, and attempts to pull Leonard out of his own mind.

Running his thumb over the top of Leonard’s knuckles, Jim stares intently at his lover. Leonard can’t will himself to peel his eyes away from the monitor.

Jim whispers in a tight, dry voice – “Thank you.”

The words aren’t a permanent fix, but they help Leonard take his next breath. They help assure him that Jim is alive to take his own next breath. It isn’t just a kind statement, but a reassurance that with time, everything will be okay. They tell Leonard that Jim isn’t mad or upset with him for acting so greedily, and he won’t hold his moment of weakness against him.

Not long after then, Jim succumbs to the exhaustion overtaking his body. Coming back from the dead isn’t as easy it they’ve both attempted to make it look, and the recovery process is going to be frustratingly lengthy. Only then does Leonard excuse himself from the room. He doesn’t make it far, just to the outside hallway. The night in this ward of Starfleet Medical is quiet enough to hear a pin drop.

Leonard leans against the window to Jim’s room in the hallway, and realizes the monster he’s become. He spends time thinking about all the patients he hasn’t gone the same lengths to save over the years. In the time he’s been a physician, no other case has ever pushed him to consider reversing the inevitable. Not even his own father’s illness had pushed him into creating something so extreme. In making this decision, Leonard hadn’t even thought twice about how dangerous it was to risk everything to bring Jim back. His competency, license, and ethics were all going to be undoubtedly questioned by many more than just himself.

He hadn’t even hesitated to bring Jim back to life. It was as if Leonard’s entire existence had muted meaning from the moment Jim’s body was brought into his medbay. Nothing else had mattered but the sole focus of restoring what was lost.

Breathing heavily in and out, verging on the edge of a panic attack, the air thick around him – suddenly the concluding revelation is inevitable. He bites at his fist as tears well in his eyes again. There isn’t any length he wouldn’t go, any line he wouldn’t cross, or any oath he wouldn’t be willing to break to ensure that Jim remained alive.

Before he can register it, the admission leaves his lips for the quiet to absorb. “I’d do it all again for you, I just wish you’d be more careful, kid. **I need you here.”**

* * *

( - 3 - ) 

The away team beamed down to Orthellos III four days prior. It was a simple mission. No threats were anticipated beyond the predicted difficulties of dealing with a society religiously divided over whether to accept help from outsiders. They’d asked for medical intervention, but the decision was not backed by all the planet’s dignitaries. According to Spock, this mission was projected to be one of the safest missions within the past year. Leonard crossed his arms unpleasantly as Spock declared that “the probability of a deviation in the plan resulting in disaster is estimated at only 17.9%.”

Fuck probability. This is the Enterprise, and he should have known better.

“You’ll be fine, Bones,” Jim assured, his hands shaking Leonard’s shoulders lightly. “I love you, be safe.”

McCoy - alongside Security Commander Luoli and Communications Ensign Athel - beamed down to the planet. Moments after successful transport, the team had been seized by the government. It wasn’t a particularly hostile situation, as no one was harmed. They’d simply been thrown unceremoniously in a dirty cell, and given orders to establish contact with their Captain. These leaders did not want to accept help or speak with the team, they only wanted to negotiate with the Captain.

“If they only wanted to speak with the Captain, they should have made that clear before we sent a team down,” Luoli grumbled to Leonard, who felt similarly frustrated.

As their superior luck would have it, the away team was now having a hell of a time establishing communication with the Enterprise again. Every call on their communicators had gone unanswered. The away team couldn’t hear any response, and consequently they also weren’t able to confirm if their own voices were being heard by the ship.

“McCoy to Enterprise, come in Enterprise.”

Leonard was allowed to keep his medkit on his body while Athel and Luoli attempted to reason with their captors. He thought of the command tactics Jim and Spock would be running through in their absence. Uhura would no doubt be trying non-stop to establish communication. They likely wouldn’t send down additional crew to the planet, such a move wouldn’t be advisable until the Bridge crew could piece together what happened. There was no need to risk anymore lives on an unknown situation.

“McCoy to Enterprise, come in Enterprise.”

Even a crack of static would have been nicer than the silent reply. From their windowless cell, Leonard can’t guess how much time is passing unless he makes the move to check his communicator’s clock. Days were ticking by, and they were no closer to a solution. Their hourly attempts to get in contact with the ship remained un-reciprocated and un-confirmed.

The basic hospitality continued. They were fed just enough scraps to get by and remained unharmed. Political unrest echoed beyond the walls of the cell, and Leonard’s hands itched to provide aid. Every second spent in the cell became a second wasted not helping. The language barrier was difficult for Leonard to breach, and he often asked Athel to update him. As a senior officer, Leonard often wished he’d paid more attention to learning alien languages at the Academy.

Rest didn’t come easy. Sleep was a cruel reminder of the man painfully absent from his side. Since he couldn’t turn his brain off, he often took more watches than his counterparts, willing himself to stay awake and alert. He stared at his communicator for hours, waiting to hear Jim’s soothing voice wash over him.

“McCoy to Enterprise, come in Enterprise.”

Per regulation, he keep trying. It is the only thing they can control from their end, the only part of the bargain they can uphold as the dignitaries grow increasingly frustrated. He hopes the ship was making some kind of progress. Leonard also hopes Jim isn’t beating himself up too much, the way he usually did when things went awry on his watch.

There is intense boredom, the kind Leonard hadn’t experienced since meeting Jim. The kid was always up in his space, keeping his mind and body occupied in one way or another. There was a longing feeling ripping open his chest, his feelings on display for anyone who cared to look. Jim made him vulnerable like that, and albeit begrudgingly, Leonard was thankful for the way the man had encouraged him to open up. He found he didn’t mind feeling exposed as long as Jim was around to protect his heart.

He flipped the comm open again. “McCoy to Enterprise. I’m assuming our communications aren’t reaching you as we haven’t heard anything in days. If I’m going to be forced to talk to the walls in here, I’d at least like to imagine I’m talking to Jim instead…so bear with me here as I give an update.

“I hope you’re okay up there. To be honest, I’m certainly not the most well equipped to handle a situation like this. If they’d at least let me get my hands on some of the sick and injured, I’d feel more useful than I do just sitting here. The three of us are okay, unharmed. They don’t even really seem to want us here, they only want to speak with the Captain. They certainly could have made that more clear in their initial request you know, before we made the effort to beam down.”

Leonard forced a breath, and it came out a heavy sigh. “I know I’ll see you again, Jim. I do. For as long as this is taking, I know you and the crew will figure it out. You’ll be standing there in the transporter room, grinning like a fool and saying I never should have doubted you for a second.”

His hand drops the comm from his ear. It hangs limply in his hands, just enough grip to keep it from falling to the floor. “I’ve never doubted you, Jim. Not for a second. I’m not about to start now.”

Jim gives Leonard strength, gives him the courage to face the unknown every day. He has to stop thinking of worst case scenarios. He has to hold onto the light Jim gave him, the light Jim had found within Leonard and fueled into a sparkling flame.

**“There is no one I trust more than you.”**

* * *

( - 4 - )

There is a lot of things Leonard loves about Jim. There is simply too much evidence to even justify starting a comprehensive list. There is one point in particular though - a point of great indulgence, and an experience less common since they’d left the Academy. There often wasn’t much time outside their individual responsibilities to allow for them to properly unwind, to lose themselves in one another.

What is that factor you might ask? Leonard’s favorite aspect?

The sinful taste of Jim’s lips after a night out.

They were always intoxicating, regardless of the occasion; however, there was an especially robust effect when both of the men had consumed a few more drinks then they’d originally planned on. There is something about the way Jim’s lips ghosted confessions of his adoration all over Leonard’s face. The language is familiar, and something Leonard can easily reciprocate.

It’s addictive. Leonard can taste the cleverly named sugary combination Jim likes to drink, can feel it mingle with his own choice of poison. It makes the taste of his mouth explosively delightful, and keeps Leonard’s tongue coming back again and again. They are swaying their way out of the establishment, clutching onto one another’s skin. It feels golden to have Jim’s lust target at him like this, a sun shining specifically for him and only him.

They were beamed up by a particularly amused Scotty (who should’ve been counting his blessings that the only PDA Jim allowed around the crew is hand-holding, even when he was hammered). Their faces probably gave away more than Scotty wanted to know anyway, but Leonard couldn’t find it in himself to care. Jim’s hand is tight in his own, pulling him at an urgent speed away from the transporter pad with fierce laughter. There is a similar carefree and mischievous smile on his own face, splitting his face in a way that only feels familiar in Jim’s company.

The moment the door to their quarters shut, Leonard reaches his left hand up to cradle Jim’s jaw. Jim likes to be held as if he were delicate, and Leonard loves to remind Jim that he is all that and so much more. Kissing him, giving as good as he is currently getting, he feels Jim’s own hands begin to tug with urgency at his shirt. They remove the fabric from the binds of Leonard’s trousers, and begin to work their way upwards, exploring his defined chest. Jim’s curious fingers linger over every curvature, every indented scar, every birthmark. There are no secrets between them, including their knowledge of one another’s skin.

Steering them towards the bed, Leonard pushes Jim onto it playfully. As he lands, Jim chuckles softly and Leonard thinks the sound may have be the most intimate noise he’d ever heard from the man.

Well, one of them at least. That was also a list for another day.

Leonard removes Jim’s shirt with precise movements despite his racing heart. Once exposed, Leonard quickly begins worshiping Jim’s body. Jim hangs his head back, a soft declaration of “Bones…” leaving his body at a frequency Leonard is acutely attuned to.

He moves slowly, attempting to draw a plethora of pleasurable moans from his partner. His skin is hot under Leonard’s touch. He can’t help but notice that Jim isn’t responding as much as he usually does, and is being less vocal. Leonard’s lips against his neck can sense Jim’s heart rate slowing…not speeding up.

Before Leonard can give thought to why that might be, a terrible rumbling sound assaults Leonard’s ears, causing him to pull back immediately. His legs are still straddling Jim’s, and the first mental note Leonard makes is how Jim’s eyelashes have fallen closed amongst flushed cheeks. His mouth is parted open, and the sound erupted again.

Jim is snoring. He must have fallen into a deep sleep within seconds of relaxing.

Breathing heavily out his nose, and adjusting on the bed, Leonard resigns. “You’re always threatening for me to get to the good part darling, but I didn’t think you’d actually fall asleep on me in the process.”

The only answer was another guttural exhale from the younger man.

Leonard can’t even bring himself to be upset with his partner. He understands more than most the pressures of the job aboard a starship. He sees the evidence every damn day in the way Jim’s shoulders become weighted with duty. He also knew well the relaxing effects of sweet, sweet alcohol. They are on shore leave for another two days, there would still be plenty of time to make up for Jim’s unexpected and ill-timed nap.

Leonard maneuvered his partner into the sleeping position he knew Jim preferred when he was alone, on his left side with his free hip curling his leg towards his chest. He takes care to remove Jim’s boots, lining them up by the door so no one would trip on them in the morning. He puts his own next to Jim’s, a ridiculous smile flooding his face at how something so mundane as aligned boots makes him so happy.

He allows himself to giggle, and realizes perhaps he is more intoxicated than he remembers. The thought made him snort again, reminding him of late academy nights.

Undressing himself, he quickly slips under the covers. At the rustling on the bed, Jim moans slightly and rolls towards Leonard. It was like he was a magnet, searching unconsciously for its match. Jim latches onto Leonard and nuzzles his face onto Leonard’s chest, breathing out a sigh once settled.

He traces a finger slowly down the arch of Jim’s nose. For a moment, he allows himself to daydream before sleep pulls him under as well. He wants so many more nights just like these, more nights where Jim can allow Leonard to truly showcase how much Leonard cares for him.

“We’ll just have to make it up to each other in the morning, darlin’. **I’m never in any kind o’ rush when I’m with you.”**

* * *

( - 5 - )

Leonard is not a jealous man. Leonard is not a jealous man. Leonard is not-

Okay, maybe to some degree…there is a small part of Leonard that can become jealous.

They were back on Earth temporarily. Federation headquarters demanded that the Enterprise return to its home planet for a special celebratory anniversary of the date of First Contact. While the break was certainly appreciated by the crew, it had pulled them away from a charting mission they were in the middle of. The Captain and a number of science officers were disappointed, but ultimately they had no power to change the decision.

That is how Leonard ended up in a fancy ballroom, with his dress uniform digging into his neck, and with his grip against the glass in his hand tightening inexplicably as he was forced to watch another woman faun all over his partner.

It was so obvious - the way the woman crossed her ankle in front and used the misbalance as an excuse to lean on the bar, her fingers playful touching Jim’s arm. It was also evident in the way she slowly moved to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear and the way her lips curled around the sentence, “Your missions sound so daring. You are…impressively courageous, Captain.”

Leonard knocked his bourbon back in one go, the ice clanking loudly when the glass met with the coaster again. It had already been almost ten minutes and this woman was not taking any hints Leonard was trying to convey from where he sat on the other side of Jim. Jim loved to talk, and he especially loved to chat up any willing ear about his crew and their efforts on missions; however, Leonard could hear the way his voice was beginning to tighten in discomfort. His laugh hadn’t sounded genuine for a while now.

Contrary to popular belief formulated by Academy rumors and Starfleet posters – Jim didn’t enjoy the accolades that came with his prestigious position. Jim was a true Captain, who didn’t see himself as the dictator of the team who bossed people around and took all the credit. No, Jim was a fair leader. He valued every opinion from Commander to Ensign. He gave credit where credit was due, and often never left enough for himself. Years of Jim’s upbringing had attempted to convince Jim that he was nothing but ordinary, when the truth was that he was the most extraordinary man Leonard had ever met. His humbleness only made him more endearing.

The woman shuffled impossibly closer, and placed her hand on Jim’s drink. She moved it out of the way, and locked eyes with him.

“What do you say we head back to my room…perhaps you can show me your Captain’s log?”

Leonard’s drink erupted into a cloud of spit that scattered over the bar’s surface. His lungs began to hack in shock and protest. He hastily grabbed a napkin and held it to his mouth, struggling to reconcile his body’s need to cough with the laughter also bubbling within him.

Jim turned to him, wide-eyed and red faced. He turned to pat his friend on the back in a helpful gesture. Leonard also observed that Jim’s actions were also giving Jim a chance to calm down himself. There was embarrassment located in those blue irises. There no subtlety or shame in the comment from the woman, and from the look she was wearing - it was a genuine proposition awaiting an answer.

Leonard had to admire her confidence and creativity, which was why his initial reaction had been to laugh. Seeing the way it effected Jim though made his previous anger flare again.

“You okay, Bones?”

Leonard just nodded, not trusting himself to say anything yet. Jim composed himself with a deep breath and turned back to the woman.

“I’m afraid I am going to have to decline. This is my partner, Lieutenant Commander and Chief Medical Officer Doctor Leonard McCoy.”

The woman’s eyes widened as she put together the meaning. The picture seemed to be a lot more clear to her now. She stood up straight and ran her hands down the front her dress before collecting her clutch. “My apologizes, Captain. Enjoy your night, you two.”

Jim turned back to Leonard as she hastily began walking away, his face apologetic. Leonard couldn’t resist. “I know you aren’t with me for my titles, but you sure do love to bring them up in conversation with others.”

“You’ve earned every single stripe on your wrists, yet you complain about them almost as much as the ones on your head. Seriously Bones, are you-”

“I’m fine, Jim,” he reassured.

Jim rested his chin on Leonard’s shoulder and sighed. His hands kneaded at his finger muscles in a nervous habit. “Here I was thinking someone actually cared to hear about our missions, our crew. I used to be so attuned to when people were flirting with me, but now it is like I can be so naïve sometimes.”

Leonard couldn’t help but smile softly. “You wouldn’t be the greatest Captain in the fleet if you were naïve, Jim. You want to believe in people and believe their intentions are inherently good, and you can become consumed by your passion for your work. There’s nothing wrong about any of that,” Leonard explained, pulling at Jim’s hand and locking their fingers together under the bar.

Jim looked at their hands, and then tilted his chin to make direct eye contact. “You know I love you and only you, right?”

This was his chance to say it back, but the words lodged in his throat again. He didn’t understand how he could feel so deeply for Jim, yet be so scared by his past to truly say those words again. It was great that Jim was understanding, but Leonard knew he couldn’t wait forever.

He settled on, “I know, Jim.”

“-and this is the Captain of the Enterprise, James Tiberious Kirk! Kirk, do you have a moment to chat with some of Starfleet’s most promising cadets?” Admiral Archer asked, approaching the bar with three red figures behind him.

The Admiral placed his hands on Jim’s shoulders in a friendly gesture. The two of them had grown closer following Pike’s death, and Leonard was happy to know Jim had a mentor looking out for him behind the scenes again. There wasn’t a lot of officers that were thrilled to see Jim’s status as Captain remain upheld following the Khan incident. The more friends Jim had on the inside, the better.

“I’m sure I could spare a moment,” Jim placated with a large smile. He swiftly dropped a kiss on their conjoined hands before letting go and turning his full attention to their guests.

Leonard finished his drink, and watched Jim become animated as he began to discuss his antics to people who actually cared to hear about it. Jim imparted good advice to the students that would actually serve them well in the field, and then Jim listened to what they were learning to clarify concepts for them. These students, much like Jim and Leonard were at that time, soaked in every word like a sponge. There was nothing more exciting than hearing about field experiences when you were stuck in a classroom for months on end.

**“Every day, I fall for you just a little bit more-”**

“Did you say something, Bones?”

Leonard snapped out of his daze, and Jim was staring at him curiously. Had he said that aloud? He quickly motioned to the bartender for another round in hopes that he could play off his slip, since he was hoping Jim hadn’t heard it correctly anyway. “Me? Nope. Need me to check your hearing now, kid?”

* * *

( - +1 - )

“Okay everyone, ten minutes to showtime!” Chekov exclaims.

Jim snakes his arm behind Leonard’s lower back, pulling him close by his hip. Their golden yellow and cool blue uniforms clashed together, combining into a perfectly mismatched canvas. They both watched as the glowing numbers on the vidscreen in front of them continued to count down to the celebration of the Terran New Year. The community room was packed with almost everybody on the ship who was willing to celebrate, and the noise level was increasingly rising along with the anticipation.

Jim has a dopey party hat on his head, and a string of silver tinsel draped across his strong shoulders. Leonard would love to tease him about it if the man didn’t manage to make it look so adorable (and if there wasn’t also a party pipe hanging from the corner of his own mouth, at Jim’s insistence).

He wasn’t much for a party or for dancing, but for Jim – there were no lengths he wouldn’t travel to make Jim smile.

“Can you believe it?” Jim asks. “It feels like yesterday we were just standing here celebrating 2264.”

Leonard grinned. “It took a genius like you this long to figure out how this whole…passage of time thing works? If you would have just listened to this old man, I could’ve told you that much ages ago. God forbid you pay attention to your elders.”

Jim playfully punched his upper arm, signalling he knew Leonard was teasing him. “You know what I mean, Bones. It just that time seems pass by so fast when I’m with you.”

The countdown continued, the seconds ticking away leisurely despite the growing tension and restlessness from the crowd. “2265 does have a nice ring to it,” admitted Leonard, feeling light and dizzy from Jim’s casual adornment. The words seemingly came so easily to the younger man, taking no more effort than breathing.

A companionable silence fell on the pair as they surveyed the room. Uhura was wrapped in Spock’s arms, the two of them looking equally pleased with the evening. Chekov was flirting with three female engineering Ensigns, and Sulu was holding a communicator with Ben and Demora’s smiling faces gleaming back at him. Scotty was knocking back a shot at a table with Keenser, the two sharing boisterous laughter after wincing at the strength of the alcohol.

In the years to come - Leonard hoped he could recall this scene in perfect memory often. This was how he wanted to remember time spent serving for the Federation. He wanted the good memories, and the good friends he’d learned to call family. He wanted to remember gathering like this where they all stood at his side as they celebrated life’s greatest joys.

Leonard thought of the word ‘love’ in his mind, and there was no more trepidation.

“Jim…can I tell you something?”

Jim squeezed their hands, and filled Leonard’s chest with warmth at his easy smile. “Always.”

Leonard held onto his hand, drawing strength from it. He hoped he wouldn’t trip over any syllables at such an important moment. “I don’t want to go another year without saying it. Frankly, I don’t even want to go another second.”

Jim’s eyes widen. His face momentarily falls with a renewed sobriety. There must be a part of him that understands what Leonard is trying to do. For all he claims to be a cranky old bastard, Jim knows him better than that.

“Jim…I…I…”

“Bones, you-”

**“Jim, I love you.”**

Leonard watches Jim intently for a reaction, his insecurities creeping back in now that he’d accomplished what once felt impossible. After so many attempts, he’d finally done it. Jim is frantically searching his eyes, his mouth having fallen open slightly in shock.

“I need you to know it, Jim. From the moment we made this official, I’ve always loved you. I need you to hear it.”

After another few seconds spent taken aback, Jim beamed. “I am so proud of you, Bones. I want you to know that I did hear you – every single time - even if it wasn’t the same words.”

“What?” Leonard asks, confused. “What do you mean, Jim?”

“There is more than one way to say ‘I love you’,” Jim explained. “You were telling me all along how you felt. Those moments when you thought I couldn’t hear – from when I was sleeping, to when I was turned away, to when I was unable to talk back – I heard it all, Bones. I didn’t need you to tell me, because you tell me in your own way every day. I don’t need those three words to prove to me how you feel.”

Jim’s eyes shimmered in the fluorescent lighting. “That being said, make no mistake that I am so proud you can finally say them back to me. That you’ve finally accepted the love I have for you to feel secure enough in what we have, because this…this is so special to me, Bones.”

The entire course of their relationship, Leonard had been practicing to say it, unaware he’d been expressing it all along in a language Jim could still interpret. His previous words had meant the same sentiment, if not more, and Jim had found it in himself to patiently listen.

Leonard really did consider himself to be the luckiest bastard and most fortunate man in the universe.

“10! 9! 8! 7…”

“I promise, Jim,” Leonard begins. “I’ll continue to tell you for the rest of my life, in any way I can, how much you mean to me.”

“6! 5! 4…”

Jim turned his body towards Leonard and linked his wrists together behind his head. He pushed up on his toes and whispered in Leonard’s ear. “I want you and only you, forever. So tell me again, and again. I’ll always want to hear you say it.”

“3! 2! 1…”

“I love you, Jim.”

The crowd roars, their chants of celebration booming in the small space. “Happy New Year!”


End file.
